Getting Real
(This post really helped me sort through my thoughts and frankly, I’m pretty proud of it. But if you don’t want to read a monologue of my realizations, feel free to skip right over.)
Fact: I utterly and completely suck at showing and sharing my feelings with other people. I possess the innate inability to talk about my problems. I honestly think of it as one of my biggest faults. I could throw the blame for why I’m like this in a lot of different directions, but blame isn’t going to do anyone any good… especially me. The fact of the matter is that it’s something I struggle with, and it’s something that I need to work on to change.
My way of dealing with my issues is to grin and bear it. Fake it till I make it. Put on a front so no one knows what’s behind it. I’m that person who would always rather laugh than cry, which is fabulous in most cases; I spent my entire foot surgery recovery busting my gut over my methods of using the bathroom, taking a bath, and getting around the house without being able to stand up. But when it comes to real stress, problems, insecurities, and issues, stuffing everything down is eventually going to lead to problems.
For quite some time, I haven’t felt like myself. At all. I’ve stuffed so much down that it truly affected who I was. I wasn’t sharing a lot of my stresses and problems for fear of being shut down and appearing as a negative influence. I was faking my happiness and could tell from my own perspective that my peppy, energetic, happy-go-lucky self was somehow lost in the process. I’ve worked hard to become someone I’m proud of, and that dissonance wasn’t a good feeling.
Yesterday, I finally realized something… I need to make MYSELF happy again. I’m slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that I don’t always need to put other people first, I don’t always need to be this positive influence, I don’t always need to grin and bear my problems. I do, however, need to be real. I am human. And, for me, that means putting myself first, taking care of myself, and being a sincerely enthusiastic individual. I learned that years ago, but somewhere along the line, it got jumbled in a sea of confusion.
I am absolutely perfect just as I am, and I think I lost track of that at some point. But I’ve found it once again and rediscovered that I am all I need to be able to be happy.
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Reality
After my fabulous massage and mani/pedi yesterday, I felt so much more like myself again; the one who is real, cares about herself, AND is happy. That feeling fed me through the evening as I went for a walk…
… and then went to a 9:25pm showing of Dark Shadows with a friend.
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If I could describe that movie in one word, it would be random. My friend and I spent most of the movie cracking up at how random it was and having him explain to me why a girl who looked about 12 liked a vampire who looked about 60. It was decently funny though, so I’d still say go see it if you get a chance!
We’re actually going to go see the new Snow White on Saturday! This is a movie I honestly do want to see (and not just to make fun of Kirsten Stewart’s acting), so I’m excited!
Tonight I’m headed to the gym and then getting in a yoga practice. I’ve been slacking on the yoga lately, and that definitely needs to change!
Heather
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